This Is An Exercise In Words – ReubenRock.com

“I’ve never forgotten all our yesterdays. I’m lucky if we’re speaking on holidays.”

Worlds apart.

I sit. Motionless. Speechless. Thoughtless, if I could.

I fixate on one tiny detail this world has to offer. A leaf or a crack in the asphalt.

I feel the world spinning slower and slower. More slowly until it almost stops. For a brief second it almost comes to a halt.

A breath.

By the second inhale, sound rises up like deafened ears awakened in the midst of war. Every insecurity, fear, anxiety. All of it swirls back into the foreground. Dims the sunlight. Obscures the sky. I can’t see beyond any of it.

Except for in that one small moment. Where I can see that detail. And I know the world is still there beneath me.

We make resolutions. We resolve. But what has really been resolved? Three hundred plus days and nights, warped and bent from sips and servers laid out like landscape mode. A portrait of professional self-pity. I loathe neckties wrapped loosely about wrists and bedposts.

We resolve to reverse course. Like champagne corks are revelations. Or provide restitution. Or restoration from a bruised and battered year of abuse and excess.

Watch us make and break these resolutions, like another revolution in the natural rhythm of a sick affair carried out between fresh linens and friends and lovers of friends.

Resolve this: to seek clarity. A rarity in these days of fast gratification.

Seek clarity.

I speak of traditions as if I can even recall what they once were. Perhaps there is some muscle memory of sorts that could fill in the gaps. Some part of you that splintered off, stuck in my side like a rib replaced, and stayed there to remind me that we are all mortal. That while prayer seems silly and antiquated, we should hold reverence for things passed from century to century among men and their sons. Maintain respect for that which we do not know. After all, we don’t.

So why not light candles? Why not bow our heads? Why not give thanks for whatever energy binds us together in this place?

During this time of year – in these holy days – my ego subsides. That muscle memory resurfaces images of your eyes beaming brilliantly against a backdrop of mixed icons while you share wisdom from ages and places and people I will never know. I remain captivated to this day. Transfixed in the wake of your faith. Awestruck by the force with which you formed a life from my confusion and a religion from my disbelief.

And I give thanks on this holy day.

Namaste.

We’re satellites orbiting a beautiful, glowing city covered in clouds. Like believers flocking to heaven. We need the comfort of knowing that something down there is waiting for us. A reversed or inverted afterlife of sorts. Where others wish to ascend, we descend toward our final destination. The warm earth.

Taking off on cloudy days can be a humbling experience. Suddenly you’re rendered snow blind. Look outside and see white. Look inside and see people just like you trying not to look outside. Look within and realize that you’ve put the control in someone else’s hands, if only for an hour or two. You’re a passenger in a life where being the driver is revered. It’s expected of a man.

I would encourage you to take a flight soon. Feel your power diminish and force your trust to place or misplace itself in a stranger.

Savor that moment. Feel it in your guts. Feel small and mortal for a few miles of air.

Then land safely. Step off the plane. Realize just how much you can control in your everyday life. Own it. And make something better of yourself.

We board planes that point westward and pay sums of gold to do business with others, and trade gold with them. But we can’t trade the soul of it. The spirit of one-upsmanship. That desire to best someone else.

We groom ourselves mercilessly. Polish ourselves like diamonds. Gemstones with neckties. And now and then, we try on different settings. Something to bring out our brilliance. Show off our sparkle. Then drink whiskey from crystal glasses until we’ve lost clarity.

So what setting do you prefer? The tradition of Memphis? The glitz and glamor of New York? The ease of New Orleans?

Board your jets, but don’t forget – no setting will mask those inclusions fully.

Sometimes I look at my hands. I wonder, with all their marks and memories, can they help me keep a handle?

There are dry spots from hand-washing that seems compulsive. Callouses at the base of my fingers. A scar here and there suggesting that maybe they’ve seen combat. But they haven’t. Corners of fingertips chewed raw and ragged. A blood blister near a cuticle on my right hand – a sign that I have music in my life again. A white gold ring that keeps me humble. Fingernails with a striped texture. My father once told me it was a sign of Native blood. And every once in a while, I look at my hands and see his.

So I ask myself: with these hands, can I keep a handle?

With enough to hold onto, yes.

I have dreams. My current subscription is to the notion that dreams are just bits of data being reorganized. Shuffled about to the corners of your mind. These are the thoughts you’ve had in the last day or two. The brief experiences that maybe you wouldn’t normally need to remember, but your brain won’t let the entire memory slip away for good. So it stores a piece of it in a safe place. A place where you won’t touch or extinguish it. So it can haunt you in the morning and leave a haze over what’s real and what isn’t.

My most recent dreams involved a number of people, objects, and tensions from this week.

In one, Dexter (my dog) runs after another man’s dog in the neighborhood. He is simply being playful, but he interrupts something important. Throws off a crime that the man was committing. So the man shoots Dexter with a shotgun.

Crime has permeated this week. The reality of it has crept up a number of times in a number of places. The shotgun is related to this, as I’ve considered whether or not I should purchase one to protect myself and my loved ones. I’ve struggled with that, as I’m also aware of the statistics surrounding gun ownership and theft. I don’t want to contribute to a greater problem in this city. Dexter has been on my mind, as well. Is he happy? Am I providing a comfortable home for him? Should I let him run free on my mother’s land in middle Tennessee, where he can stretch his legs and enjoy the company of other dogs?

In the other, my grandmother dies. I watch it happen. And while traveling to the funeral, I ride in a vehicle packed full with my siblings and my father. As if I were a part of one cohesive family unit. The skies were colorless, and the sway of the vehicle lulled me into a silent state. I didn’t have the words in me, so I sat without making a sound.

I had just recalled the family complications related to the death of one of my grandmothers (on my mother’s side) while I was talking with my girlfriend. How it created a rift that hasn’t been crossed in over ten years. That separation began with her death. And as I’ve since lost my father and one of my brothers, another rift has developed between myself and my father’s side of the family. Will I allow that tension to completely remove my branch from the tree? It weighs heavy on whatever part the soul is.

As you can see, I have evidence to support my beliefs about dreams. Bits and pieces. Leftovers from the day being replayed. They combine into these incredibly mournful scenes. And that’s the power of dreams. As hard as it can be to remember them at times, it can often be even more difficult to forget them.

Summer is over, and we’ve all partnered up like it’s the last dance. Prepared to brave the cold like cavemen. Just the warmth of bodies to protect us.

But the heavy, humid air and bright lights will return. Mark my words. We all come full circle.

In the mean time, let’s write on these cave walls. Scrawl your dreams across their stone faces. Their eyes watch as we write blueprints for July and wait for the paint to dry.